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Today I am thinking about this place. I am a firm believer that there are places on this earth that make “us” more “us.” Like a good friend, these places connect with our souls… in these places we feel like it’s not that difficult to be the people we were MADE to be. South Africa is one of those places for me. It is the “home” my heart dreams about. I spent a decade of my life there. It’s where I became a mother. A photographer. A dreamer. An artist. A believer in so many good things. A true friend to some of the best people on the planet.
It happened there, and I feel like the best possible version of myself when I set foot on South African soil. Amen, right? Amen!
We just spent two weeks in our favorite (or, as South Africans would spell it, favourite) South Africa. Being there was like returning home… except to a home that isn’t fully ours anymore. Right now, this little family is working up the courage to keep making our NEW LAND home. That’s tough, especially when SOME OF US (insert: me, The Doubter) are waffling on the “is it all worth it” fence. A bad fence to be on, I know. This journey has brought us and others GOOD THINGS, but it’s hard to keep the VIGIL and remind myself of that especially when
we just stared the place we love in the face for two weeks, and walked away again.
While we were there…
Late at night I think about it,
here in this place I love…
this South Africa of mine.
…
Everywhere there are bits of us.
Every friend has mementos
of the life we lived…
couch here,
books there,
vase here.
Scattered across Dear Hearts’ homes.
…
We gave it up.
All of it.
We somehow…
let it all go.
It’s just stuff, right?
…
Do I want my old life back?
Yes, a little.
I sleep in their pretty houses.
I remember mine.
I envy a bit. I wish.
I see the BEAUTIFUL SOULS.
I remember what it’s like to
have them as FAMILY.
…
They say,
“I don’t know how you do it.”
I say,
“Me neither.”
(except, I think to self, I do know…)
They say,
“When will you come back?”
I say,
“I don’t know, but I KNOW WE WILL.”
(and heart weeps inside while mouth talks)
…
Truth is, South Africa is my land…
it’s my HEART’S property.
I race up against it when I shut my eyes to dream.
I know it better than my Passport Place,
And it bothers me more than just a little…
to only be a guest in it.
(but we are all just guests in the end, right?)
…
Love,
me
by longmilescoffee
bernadette - we moved to knoxville 7ys ago and we too feel like strangers here…but love it here!! we have no family here and no current friends….but it’s home to us somehow! so my friend you don’t have to move across the world to be a stranger!! my husband and i have embraced the season we are in and we enjoy the world we are creating around us. so my prayer for you is that you will embrace and enjoy the world you are creating around you…for you and your family are filled with richness! blessings!
longmilescoffee - Thank you, Kate! I will! Peleka, I totally hope we do return one day
Rachel, you rock… thanks for waiting 
I always think I will keep the blog rolling when I’m away somewhere… but I usually fail miserably!
Peleka - That is beautiful Kristy. I never knew your connection to South Africa ran so deep but then again you did live a decade of your life there with your family so it should a given to have such a connection to a place. You guys are doing great work where ever you are and you will return to your home again.
Kate - I love this blog. Your writing is inspiring (funny word, huh? but it seems to fit) and definitely pushes me in how I view my own life… something that I’m trying to view as normal, but everybody else seems to think is crazy. Anyway, just wanted you to know that I admire not only your words, but your honesty as well. Keep going, girl. I’m cheering for you, and shooting up a prayer.
Rachel - Glad to see another post, I’ve been waiting for you. I know, sort of, what you mean. At least about us all being guests. I haven’t found that place yet, like South Africa is for you. Djibouti isn’t that for me, at least not yet, not even nine years in. Maybe after ten…