.jpg)
.jpg "000091780008-2")
I made a choice recently. A choice I don’t regret at all. I left my two year old baby boy and my husband in Burundi and BOLTED with my biggest little, Myles, to the United States. I had reached a point. A bad point.
The kind of point that had me saying things like, “I sort of wish this breast lump WAS cancer so that I wouldn’t have to go back to Burundi.” Yeah, I know. Nobody in a good space says that. Nobody.
Doctors prodded and poked me for ailments that had been significantly impacting me in Burundi. The Docs words? “NOTHING is physically wrong with you. Your symptoms are the result of STRESS. We suggest you MOVE and CHANGE some things, ASAP. Stress can actually kill people.” Yeah, ok. What I was slowly realizing was a truth I did not want to admit… especially to myself. Truth was, I needed to choose. Would I continue to limp along in an environment where I only saw a SHADOW of the “self” I love, or would I change some things?
And good golly, I LOVE MYSELF at my best… but could I love myself ENOUGH at MY WORST to risk standing up and telling “Team Carlson” that I was unhappy and “this ol’ momma just couldn’t do it anymore?”
I could choose to STICK IT OUT in Burundi as things were… Except I couldn’t say the word “Burundi” without crying, and that meant something pretty significant. I felt like I would die a little bit the day I got on the plane to go back. I told Ben over Skype that I was “done.” Done trying to help coffee farmers and seeing them STILL living in poverty. Done trying to live in a house with lots of staff and leaking toilets and exploding showers. Done dealing with a CORRUPT landlord who was trying to swindle us while selling off our back yard. Yep, the whole back yard. Oh yeah, and building a house on it while we still lived there. Done facing poverty every day. Done trying to get my tongue to wrap itself around all those French words. Done. Done and DONE.
My darling husband, well, he made a plan. He said we could go. Right now. He said that he could be done too.
When I got on the plane to come back the only relief I felt was the relief that soon we would leave Burundi. As I faced my reality back on Burundi soil, I decided to embrace the possibility of CHANGE right where I was. If it’s not working, gall darn it… change it. So we are. We are changing venues. In just a few weeks we will be moving to a new house… where the toilets don’t leak and the landlord isn’t trying to sell off the back yard (SERIOUSLY!). We are cutting back on other stressors too, in fact we are implementing an entire “Burundi lifestyle change.” I’m also realizing that while we had hoped to change the entire country, I am grateful that we can change the lives of just a few.
Every person counts… that’s what I realized the moment I stood up and said, “I can’t do it” and my husband said, “That’s ok. I choose you.”
Image: One of the people who counts. This is Fran, a 42 year old farmer. His story is coming soon. Hasselblad 501C, Portra 800.
by longmilescoffee
longmilescoffee - Thank you everyone for all the support and encouragement. What an amazing bunch you are!
Susan B. - You guys are so AWESOME!!! Living your dreams and following your heart takes a lot of courage, inner strength & fortitude that most of us don’t have. we can only dream about doing what your doing. I think it’s better to TRY NOW than to have the REGRET LATER !!! You both are truly inspiring. Your children have amazing role models–You! and will benefit a huge amount in ways they can’t comprehend right now. Hang in there. Your doing Great.I will keep checking in on your journey. Good Luck.All the Best from New Jersey.
Libby - Hey Gorgeous Lady – love you lots! Thanks for being real! Glad you have a husband who understands what it is to really love his wife and lay down his life for her…men like that are very rare. Looking forward to tomorrow morning (says she through gritted teeth). For all the days that you are here, I am very thankful, and for all the days you will kick my a*#e at the gym I thank Jesus. Huge hugs XXX
Kirsty - Again, a post that resonates so much. You are brave and should be proud of yourself – it’s all about little steps, but sometimes it’s hard to feel like that when those little steps are going backwards
Thabisa - KJ Chomi, I love you and you inspire me. I am amazed that even while working through a really rough time and feeling at a low you can still give so…. much. I wish I could hang with you, hug you and laugh with you. Today I will celebrate your awesomeness… So proud of you!
Thabisa - KJ chomi, I love you and you inspire me. I am amazed that even at what you consider a low point you are still giving so… much. I wish I could just hang with you, hug you and laugh with you. Today I will celebrate your awsomeness! Much love always
Dawn - How grateful I am that you allow us such ‘peeks’ into your heart and life. You are an incredible woman. Thanks for sharing, Kristy – I look forward to hearing more about the changes you will make and the good results of them. I’m so thankful that you had the courage to admit that you couldn’t do things as they currently are … you are brave and that encourages me to be brave as well.
Janette - DONE! It is a good word.
You are a great communicator.
You sound like you are at peace now. Is that why you looked so good today? Maybe it shows.
Looking forward to more conversations….with you too, Ruth!
N - “My husband said: “I choose you.”" Powerful words in response to your needs.
We have met only a few times but your words and photos reach into me. Keep up the good work caring for yourself and your dear ones.
May you feel safe, healthy and loved. now.
NB from MN
Tracy Hart - You’re incredible, Kristy. Thank you for this post.
Vash - I LOVE you. I am PROUD of you. I am in your corner praying hard. You AMAZE me. And I an thankful to call you friend. Look up a book called The Cause Within You by Matthew Barnett. He’s got some good stuff going on. When ever i want to quit ( which has been every day for a while now) I pick up his book and read a chapter. I then feel recharged.
You’ve got this. and you’ve got an amazing man standing with you. Im here if you need to vent.
love you dearly my friend.
xxxxx
Jill B - Deeply moving, thank you for sharing. Being DONE doesn’t make you weak or a failure or anything of that sort. Being DONE can merely mean NEXT please or THANK YOU VERY MUCH and now things are different or NOW THAT I KNOW MYSELF BETTER I am…
Being DONE means you are listening to your deepest heart’s longing, being vulnerable and honoring yourself. Thank you for being so authentic with us.
Nobuntu - At this moment in time I just want to hug you my dear friend. Not out of pity, or sadness, but out of pure pride that brought me to tears. You put your awesome pants on – again, when you actually had the option to go back to a life so much more comfortable. What a Shero!
hunter - I’ve never met you or your family, but I love you all very dearly. Thank you for remaining honest and open throughout the struggles. Take care of yourself and your family. Remember there are people(even strangers like me) that love you and want you to succeed. In the deepest hurts, God is good.
Bonnie - Your honesty is always so valuable to hear. Your strength is amazing and as Sarah said, live is too short. You need to be happy. You are an outstanding person. I hope the changes you are making in your Burundi home will give you the push to feel as wonderful as you are. <3
Bethany Elston - Your honesty is so refreshing. Don’t stop sharing! I was a little confused at the end of the blog – are you staying in Burundi for now, then, but just changing where you live and a couple of other lifestyle things? Or are you planning to leave Burundi and revisit how you want to help that country?
Traveling Mama - I’ve been there… the depths of despair one can fall to due to a stressful living environment is so much further than any of us ever wants to admit when we sign up for the hard places we hope to change! Trust me. In the almost 8 years that we have lived outside the US I have seen a LOT of people go home… most of which are surprised by how hard it is and can never forgive themselves for not being strong enough to stick it out. You have to be kind to yourself! Think of all the things you are facing, the obstacles you have overcome, the words you have pronounced correctly… and the things you have done right… Then just let go of the expectations you have put on yourself… because some days are just plain hard and you shouldn’t expect yourself to dance around and call them great.
You are amazing and you are changing the world! Be encouraged and know that you have a lot of fans cheering for you!
Abby - You are truly inspirational. Thank you for always sharing
Xox
Lauren Lee - Thanks for sharing your heart and struggles. Your honesty is so refreshing.
Daniel Seibert - Just wanted to say that I LOVE you guys.
Sarah VolkerSarahvolker - I am glad you physical was OK… No cancer. I am also happy you are doing what feels right to you… Life is too short.
Ruth - Hi,
We cross each other almost every day at school. And we hardly talk, except for “ça va?”. But I do read your blog from time to time.
Today you made me cry with your story. I recognize so much.
Thank you, for writing down your feelings and make me feel less lonely with mine.
I see you soon at Laura’s coffee.
Greetings,
Ruth (mom of Olivia & Florien – 2 little blond girls who are really happy in Burundi – my drive to continue here).